I left my mom today, feeling so sad and so discouraged. All of a sudden she has become congested, hoarse and just plain back into the bronchitis which she has fought off and on since last Fall. She just two weeks ago got a clean bill of health from the pulmonologist. Now this. I know in my rational mind that at her age, any of these events could bring about her death. Yet, she is one of the most indomitable spirits I've ever known; ever cheerful in the face of adversity; always sure she will get better. She's lost most of her capacity for independent thought, and has a limited set of stock phrases which she uses to try to participate in a conversation. Excitement for her consists of my visits, a bunch of new flowers and a trip in her wheelchair down to the first floor where we check up on the current jigsaw puzzle, and I put pieces in while she tries to find a piece that has a chance of fitting somewhere in the puzzle. She is equally delighted by the pieces I put in as she is about coming close with her own piece.
I think a lot about the advantages of dying suddenly and unexpectedly as opposed to dying by degrees. I think about which is harder on the members of the family left behind. I think about the person whose life may be cut short before he/she has completed things or seen children or grandchildren grow up. I think about the long life my mom has lived and the joys and sorrows she has experienced by virtue of her 94 years. I think and I think. Some days I reach no conclusion. Today, I think how cruel it is for a person to die by degrees.
