If I had had the time, there are several entries I would have written in the past weeks. It always seems that when I finally do write, I write two long entries, so this time I'm just going to give the titles and a short synopsis. Maybe these would be known as "blogettes."
First: "The Light at the End of This Particular Tunnel"
This blog would have been about discovering that my mom's episodes of seeing double were attributable to a phenomenon known as "ophthalmic migraines" brought on by stress which causes high blood pressure which causes kaleidoscopic vision. it took an ER visit and $15,000 worth of tests to give us no answers. It took a visit to the ophthamologist where the nurse also works at Langdon Place to get the diagnosis. It's a much longer story. Trust me.
Second: "Mother of the Bride Dress Dilemma" This blog would have featured photos of all 5 dresses that have been hanging in my upstairs. Comments about these dresses have ranged from "That's a depressing color," to "That looks like you're channeling your inner surfergirl from the 70s," to "Hmmm, I feel like I need 3 inch stiletto heels and a bar to go to." I'm only in the hole about $150.00 on the dresses that I'll be keeping, plus I now own a pair of silver sandals to wear when I'm remembering my California days . . . . .
Third: "One Woman Show."
This would be one of my whiny blogs, complaining about how tired I am of having to do everything, all the time, inside and outside the house, on my grant-funded project and in the care of my mother. Probably didn't need to write that one.
Fourth: "The Critter in the Basement, or is it my Imagination run amok"
Twice this winter I have noticed that something has chewed through the bag of thistle seed. The first time I pretended that probably the bag had a slit in it when i bought it. The second time (last week) I know that the bag didn't have a slit in it. Yesterday I noticed that a roll of paper towels by the washing machine has been chewed. I now have a mouse trap and a Have-a-heart trap baited in the basement. It's been there for 24 hours and so far no critter to be seen. What will I do if i catch something? Is it possible that it has squeezed under the basement door and into the house? This totally freaks me out!
Fifth: "Do I look Like I Need More Stuff?
Friends who are moving away are offering me stuff - from birdfeeders to clothes, to a chest freezer. Please re-read earlier blogs about the junque I already possess and am desperately trying to weed out.
Sixth: "Stuff I have Gotten Rid Of or, The Joys of Bulky Waste Week"
The picnic table and benches; the two t.v. stands; mom's and dad's t.v.; Rob's humongous homemade speakers; my old VCR; old screens; plastic windows made by my dad; two plastic outdoor side tables. How I paid $10.00 for a bulky waste sticker to go on the old t.v. only to have some scavenger take the t.v. Grrrrr. Someone actually took the old dehumidifier. You gotta love bulky waste pick-up week.
O.K. there's another one about the pink markers tied on the bushes out back, designating the offical "wetland" area of my back yard. Yeah, right. I KNOW it's wet, but was it always wet? Who gets to decide and designate "wetlands?" If all my neighbors stopped pumping their sump pumps out onto my property, would it still be a "wetland?"
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Epiphanies
I thought it was ironic that on the day the news of Swine Flu ramped up, I was sitting in the local Emergency Room with my mother. The waiting room was packed. I wondered how many people were there with symptoms of swine flu.
************
After our second visit in one month of a minimum of 3 hrs. in the ER, I went to a much-needed yoga class. I'll admit, I was feeling completely burned out on mother-care. Since March 27th, when i got a call from Langdon at the Fort Myers airport, it has been non-stop in doctor's offices and the E.R. Why me? I asked myself. How am I supposed to get anything done while spending so much time transporting and treating bronchitis, blurred vision, anemia, water on the knee? My yoga teacher read something at the end of class that made me change my point of view. It was something to the effect that "When things weigh you down, don't ask why me? Ask what you can learn about yourself during this challenge." I felt that for sure she was talking directly to me. I spent the rest of the week contemplating what I have learned about myself throughout the challenge of caring for my parents' needs over the past 5 years. I can't say that I'm thrilled with myself as i contemplate that. I've learned that I can be impatient and self-focused. I've learned that I don't suffer fools gladly. I've learned how easy it is to be resentful. I've learned that it is very hard to be the "go to" person all the time. I've learned that I fear the future for myself, as I inevitably age.
I've also learned what an amazing person my mother is. She remains cheerful and optimistic, no matter what. She doesn't remember much, but she remains engaged in life and loves to be outside to see the birds and flowers and enjoy the sun on her face. She is unfailingly grateful to me - to the point where it drives me crazy. She loves a simple outing, but she remains quietly accepting of her life at Langdon Place. She still wants to do things like read, help put on a family dinner, hem a dress, even though she can't. I hope that maybe I have a few of her genes in me so that I may grow old and be as brave as she is.
*************
I've been thinking a lot about a major core value that I hold, having been invited to write a "This I Believe" essay for an Oyster River High School project. I probably won't get to write the essay, but I have been thinking that I think empathy is probably the key value I have most based my life on. It helps that I am a Libra, and usually see both sides or many sides of a situation. One of my major heroes is Atticus in To Kill a Mockingbird, precisely because he tries to teach Scout and Jem the importance of seeing things from the other person's point of view. I've gone a long way in my head in thinking about this value and how it has shaped my teaching and my life. So . . . the other night when I opened a new volume of poetry by Mary Oliver and read this quotaton from Kierkegaard as the epigraph, I found myself completely revising what I thought was my core value. He wrote: "We create ourselves by our choices." That struck such a chord with me, and maybe it was because it was the same day I had been thinking about what I had learned about myself (see above), but I realized that when you get right down to it, I believe that we were given free will, and nothing is more important than the ability to make choices. In every situation we are presented with choices. This in itself isn't all that remarkable, but it served as a good reminder that I have the power to choose how I react to every single situation that presents itself to me, and that as i make those choices, I create myself.
I've never liked the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," because I don't think that is necessarily true, unless you reflect on what you have learned about the choices you made in the situation you were in. It really goes back to Socrates, who is another one of my heroes, who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."
************
After our second visit in one month of a minimum of 3 hrs. in the ER, I went to a much-needed yoga class. I'll admit, I was feeling completely burned out on mother-care. Since March 27th, when i got a call from Langdon at the Fort Myers airport, it has been non-stop in doctor's offices and the E.R. Why me? I asked myself. How am I supposed to get anything done while spending so much time transporting and treating bronchitis, blurred vision, anemia, water on the knee? My yoga teacher read something at the end of class that made me change my point of view. It was something to the effect that "When things weigh you down, don't ask why me? Ask what you can learn about yourself during this challenge." I felt that for sure she was talking directly to me. I spent the rest of the week contemplating what I have learned about myself throughout the challenge of caring for my parents' needs over the past 5 years. I can't say that I'm thrilled with myself as i contemplate that. I've learned that I can be impatient and self-focused. I've learned that I don't suffer fools gladly. I've learned how easy it is to be resentful. I've learned that it is very hard to be the "go to" person all the time. I've learned that I fear the future for myself, as I inevitably age.
I've also learned what an amazing person my mother is. She remains cheerful and optimistic, no matter what. She doesn't remember much, but she remains engaged in life and loves to be outside to see the birds and flowers and enjoy the sun on her face. She is unfailingly grateful to me - to the point where it drives me crazy. She loves a simple outing, but she remains quietly accepting of her life at Langdon Place. She still wants to do things like read, help put on a family dinner, hem a dress, even though she can't. I hope that maybe I have a few of her genes in me so that I may grow old and be as brave as she is.
*************
I've been thinking a lot about a major core value that I hold, having been invited to write a "This I Believe" essay for an Oyster River High School project. I probably won't get to write the essay, but I have been thinking that I think empathy is probably the key value I have most based my life on. It helps that I am a Libra, and usually see both sides or many sides of a situation. One of my major heroes is Atticus in To Kill a Mockingbird, precisely because he tries to teach Scout and Jem the importance of seeing things from the other person's point of view. I've gone a long way in my head in thinking about this value and how it has shaped my teaching and my life. So . . . the other night when I opened a new volume of poetry by Mary Oliver and read this quotaton from Kierkegaard as the epigraph, I found myself completely revising what I thought was my core value. He wrote: "We create ourselves by our choices." That struck such a chord with me, and maybe it was because it was the same day I had been thinking about what I had learned about myself (see above), but I realized that when you get right down to it, I believe that we were given free will, and nothing is more important than the ability to make choices. In every situation we are presented with choices. This in itself isn't all that remarkable, but it served as a good reminder that I have the power to choose how I react to every single situation that presents itself to me, and that as i make those choices, I create myself.
I've never liked the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," because I don't think that is necessarily true, unless you reflect on what you have learned about the choices you made in the situation you were in. It really goes back to Socrates, who is another one of my heroes, who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."
Monday, March 30, 2009
Good, Better, Best
Lest my readers think that my life is just full of complaints, I will hasten to mention some of the BEST things which have happened recently - from least to most!!
This winter is finally almost over. All but the big snowbank left at the end of the driveway has melted. That meant the tree service could come today to clean up all the downed limbs from my willow tree. Hooray!
Saturday, the "Check Engine" light came on as I was driving home from Sarah's. Today, after filling the gas tank and really tightening the cap on the tank, the light went out. Yay! I don't have to try to get the car in to the garage.
Today, I was helping to facilitate an all-day workshop in Concord. I told Langdon Place i couldn't take my mom to the hospital for an ultrasound on a potential blood clot. (We had spent 3 hours in the ER yesterday, only to find out that the ultrasound dept. is closed on weekends . . .) Further, I requested that she go by Langdon Place bus, which is set up to take people to medical appts. on Mondays. Much to my great joy, they actually took her on the bus today - she was the only person, and the driver, who doubles as the activities person, went in with her and they did the ultrasound. No results yet, but the system actually worked......for the first time in 5 years!!
Last week, through the generous invitation of my brother, I joined him and his wife on Sanibel Island for what was, in many respects, the first true vacation of my entire life. As I put nothing but shorts, capris and bathing suits in my suitcase, and left here in 30 degree weather, I sure hoped that it really was warm down there. It was. The beach was glorious, I walked each day and read 2 books. We swam i the ocean and in the pool. We saw about 35 different bird species on the beach and at the Ding Darling Wildlife Refuge, and I collected some beautiful shells for my collection. I slept well and enjoyed the company of my brother and his wife.
The past few weeks have been full of various bits of good news and much happiness from Sarah. I scarcely know where to begin!! Probably to say that she is engaged and we are looking forward to a wedding on June 20. I couldn't be happier for her and for Ben, her fiance. They seem perfect for each other, and I like him a lot. Possibly I will make him feel welcome in our family!!!
As part of the continuing joy of this event, I joined Sarah, Kat and Sarah's friend Lisa to shop for her wedding dress last Saturday. We had lots of hilarity as we 3 "advisors" wore fancy tiaras and felt free to give our opinion on some of the other brides and prom-goers who were trying on dresses. Sarah found a gorgeous dress which we all loved, and in which she will looks beautiful.
So here's a shout out to all things big and small that add up to a happy life!!
Life's little annoyances
So many things to write about and so little time! Tonight I'm going to first blast off about the USPS, or US Postal Service. A couple of background notes:
1. Sometime in early December all of my mail was delivered to a family at 16 Thompson Lane.
2. Sometime in early February, I went online to have my mail held for 2 days while I was away. When I returned, mail had been delivered, and the mailbox door was hanging wide open. Surprise, surprise, I went to the PO with a print-out of my online request in hand to complain. The clerk passed me right on to the Postmaster, who apologized profusely and said they were training new mail carriers on my route.......so????
Following that, two of my bills (which always come at the same time) never showed up for the month. One was for my equity line of credit, and fearing having the line cut off, I called and made an electronic payment.
3. I went to Atlanta in late February, and after the above two experiences, I asked a neighbor to bring my mail in each day. All went well. In the mail delivered during that time (well after the due dates) the two missing bills appeared. Possibly they had been on a slow barge around Cape Horn??
4. Last week, when I went to Sanibel for 6 days, I went to the P.O. to fill out the yellow "hold mail" form. I said I would pick up my mail when I returned and re-start delivery. Upon arriving home last Thursday, I found probably one day's worth of mail in the mailbox. I can't say that I was too surprised. The next day I went to the PO to pick up the rest of my mail. Mission accomplished. Oh no, not exactly.
5. No mail has been delivered either on Saturday or today, Monday. It is literally impossible for me to believe that I received not even a piece of junk mail on either of those days. So. . . . I will make my way to the P.O. tomorrow to see if they have any mail for me, and complain, once again to the Postmaster regarding the delivery of mail on my route. No wonder the Postal Service is losing money hand over fist. If I had another option, I would certainly exercise it.
1. Sometime in early December all of my mail was delivered to a family at 16 Thompson Lane.
2. Sometime in early February, I went online to have my mail held for 2 days while I was away. When I returned, mail had been delivered, and the mailbox door was hanging wide open. Surprise, surprise, I went to the PO with a print-out of my online request in hand to complain. The clerk passed me right on to the Postmaster, who apologized profusely and said they were training new mail carriers on my route.......so????
Following that, two of my bills (which always come at the same time) never showed up for the month. One was for my equity line of credit, and fearing having the line cut off, I called and made an electronic payment.
3. I went to Atlanta in late February, and after the above two experiences, I asked a neighbor to bring my mail in each day. All went well. In the mail delivered during that time (well after the due dates) the two missing bills appeared. Possibly they had been on a slow barge around Cape Horn??
4. Last week, when I went to Sanibel for 6 days, I went to the P.O. to fill out the yellow "hold mail" form. I said I would pick up my mail when I returned and re-start delivery. Upon arriving home last Thursday, I found probably one day's worth of mail in the mailbox. I can't say that I was too surprised. The next day I went to the PO to pick up the rest of my mail. Mission accomplished. Oh no, not exactly.
5. No mail has been delivered either on Saturday or today, Monday. It is literally impossible for me to believe that I received not even a piece of junk mail on either of those days. So. . . . I will make my way to the P.O. tomorrow to see if they have any mail for me, and complain, once again to the Postmaster regarding the delivery of mail on my route. No wonder the Postal Service is losing money hand over fist. If I had another option, I would certainly exercise it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wasting Time
I know, I know. I've never been a big time-waster. But look at me now! Another Dancing With the Stars season has just started, and I'm here, glued to it, as usual. Every season the women's costumes become more outrageous, as in they're wardrobe malfunctions waiting to happen. And each season there are a couple of completely unlikely dancers, like Steven Wozniak and whoever the cowboy guy was. He looked like he had a broomstick up his rear end. . . totally hilarious.
Last week there was the two-hour Bachelor finale . . . . which proved that trying to find your soulmate in front of millions of Americans, while surrounded by other potential soulmates is probably not the route to go. . . and why would anyone want to go on that show after what happened last week. Didn't see it? Oh well - you were probably doing something productive, while I. . . . I WAS WASTING TIME!!! And what could be better - the woman shunned on last week's show is now dancing on Dancing with the Stars -- quelle consolation prize!
Even my reading over the last two weeks has been just plain trash. Ha! What fun. I think this is my answer to endless snowstorms and WINTER. Time will tell whether I abandon all the trashy pursuits when the weather gets better. Or maybe this is somehow tied to the economy - a welcome relief from the ever-dropping Dow-Jones? Live it up, i say. Life is short, have fun! Waste some time along with me!!
Last week there was the two-hour Bachelor finale . . . . which proved that trying to find your soulmate in front of millions of Americans, while surrounded by other potential soulmates is probably not the route to go. . . and why would anyone want to go on that show after what happened last week. Didn't see it? Oh well - you were probably doing something productive, while I. . . . I WAS WASTING TIME!!! And what could be better - the woman shunned on last week's show is now dancing on Dancing with the Stars -- quelle consolation prize!
Even my reading over the last two weeks has been just plain trash. Ha! What fun. I think this is my answer to endless snowstorms and WINTER. Time will tell whether I abandon all the trashy pursuits when the weather gets better. Or maybe this is somehow tied to the economy - a welcome relief from the ever-dropping Dow-Jones? Live it up, i say. Life is short, have fun! Waste some time along with me!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
What is wrong with our country?
Case #1: On Friday, my friend Andrea went to Logan to meet two men, an Israeli and a Palestinian. Each had been a combatant on the side of his country, and both have put aside their militant approach, in order to work for peace. It was the first time the Israeli man had been to the U.S., and he came through immigration in under two hours. The Palestinian man had been in the country last year and had met with members of Congress. He is a founder of the organization Combatants for Peace, a grassroots group of former soldiers, who are now opposed to violence. In the fall, some peace groups applied for a visa for him to come to this country. Visa was denied. Then our government invited him to come to participate in a conference. A subsequent visa application for this month was approved.
Friday, he was detained for 7 hours at Logan. Then admitted to our country. He and the Israeli man are on a speaking tour for the next month, and have been invited to the U.N. Next week they will be given the Courage of Conscience award at the Peace Abbey, in Massachusetts. But it seems that a Palestinian, by definition must be a terrorist.
Case #2: Locally, Seacoast Peace Response has sponsored a series of programs at the Portsmouth Public Library, to try to get at the Palestinian's point of view on the problems in the Middle East. My understanding of the situation is that at each program, a well-organized group of Jews have attended and aggressively disputed not just the content of the programs, but the groups right to present the programs at the public library. One man has now threatened to ruin the careers of the two facilitators/discussionn leaders, a UNH professor and a local pscychologist.
The library has cancelled the most recent program, a dramatic presentation which presents the story of Rachel Corrie, a peace activist who tried to prevent the bulldozing of Palestinian homes by the Israeli military, and was killed by a bulldozer.
Are there not at least two sides to this conflict? Do we not live in a free country? Isn't education the means to understanding? Shouldn't a publicly-funded facility be the ideal place to host challenging programs? Why is there so much fear and anger on the part of the protesters?
We have met the enemy, and it is us.
Friday, he was detained for 7 hours at Logan. Then admitted to our country. He and the Israeli man are on a speaking tour for the next month, and have been invited to the U.N. Next week they will be given the Courage of Conscience award at the Peace Abbey, in Massachusetts. But it seems that a Palestinian, by definition must be a terrorist.
Case #2: Locally, Seacoast Peace Response has sponsored a series of programs at the Portsmouth Public Library, to try to get at the Palestinian's point of view on the problems in the Middle East. My understanding of the situation is that at each program, a well-organized group of Jews have attended and aggressively disputed not just the content of the programs, but the groups right to present the programs at the public library. One man has now threatened to ruin the careers of the two facilitators/discussionn leaders, a UNH professor and a local pscychologist.
The library has cancelled the most recent program, a dramatic presentation which presents the story of Rachel Corrie, a peace activist who tried to prevent the bulldozing of Palestinian homes by the Israeli military, and was killed by a bulldozer.
Are there not at least two sides to this conflict? Do we not live in a free country? Isn't education the means to understanding? Shouldn't a publicly-funded facility be the ideal place to host challenging programs? Why is there so much fear and anger on the part of the protesters?
We have met the enemy, and it is us.
Why am I surprised?
By now, you will agree that I should not be surprised by anything the local medical establishment can throw at me. But I am. I believe I wrote earlier about the wisdom of the doctor at the Hematology Clinic, who said, and I quote "It's silly for you andd your mom to sit here for two hours only to find out that she doesn't need a shot of Procrit." I couldn't have agreed with him more, because two hours in the clinic translates to 3 plus hours of my time, counting driving to and from, etc., and a very long afternoon for a 93 year old.
So, today, following the protocol suggested by him, I got the results of the labs done on Friday, and since her hemoglobin was below 11, I called the Hematology Clinic to schedule the Procrit shot. Why did I think it would actually be that easy? Because I'm naive and trusting, and it seemed like such a common sense approach.
First, the woman I was told to call wasn't at her desk. OK, no big deal. She'll call me back. Instead, another woman calls and tells me that Dr.Sonnenborn isn't in the clinic today, and they'll have to talk to him tomorrow. O.k., that's not a problem. Then she tells me that if Dr. Sonnenborn wants her to have a shot, that she'll have to have the labs done again in the clinic, because Medicare has strict rules covering what her number has to be in order for her to have the Procrit shot (and for them to pay the $150.00 for it). So, guess what that means? A two-hour visit to the clinic. And lab work that costs a cool $784 dollars. Repeated. For nothing. She's heading into anemia and needs the shot. It's that simple, based on what the doctors have said. Oh, and should I mention that according to the women at the clinic, Langdon Place hadn't faxed the lab results to them? Maybe they sent them to the doctor's office. . . . what are the chances?
So, we're back to square one. Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200.00.
So, today, following the protocol suggested by him, I got the results of the labs done on Friday, and since her hemoglobin was below 11, I called the Hematology Clinic to schedule the Procrit shot. Why did I think it would actually be that easy? Because I'm naive and trusting, and it seemed like such a common sense approach.
First, the woman I was told to call wasn't at her desk. OK, no big deal. She'll call me back. Instead, another woman calls and tells me that Dr.Sonnenborn isn't in the clinic today, and they'll have to talk to him tomorrow. O.k., that's not a problem. Then she tells me that if Dr. Sonnenborn wants her to have a shot, that she'll have to have the labs done again in the clinic, because Medicare has strict rules covering what her number has to be in order for her to have the Procrit shot (and for them to pay the $150.00 for it). So, guess what that means? A two-hour visit to the clinic. And lab work that costs a cool $784 dollars. Repeated. For nothing. She's heading into anemia and needs the shot. It's that simple, based on what the doctors have said. Oh, and should I mention that according to the women at the clinic, Langdon Place hadn't faxed the lab results to them? Maybe they sent them to the doctor's office. . . . what are the chances?
So, we're back to square one. Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200.00.
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