A death in the family

Today brought the news of the death of my cousin, Carlie, from cancer. I got the news by means of a mass email to her friends and family, written as a "reply all" to a message that Carlie herself had sent to all of us on Sept. 10, describing her condition. The message today came like a kick in the stomach, in the middle of my morning of sending emails to invite historical societies to a workshop day November 5th. I saw the indication of a new message and clicked on it, assuming I was hearing back from one of my earlier emails. It was from someone I didn't know, and it brought this terrible news. I sat at my computer and wept, and wondered what to do next.

Carlie and I were girls together; she was four years older than I, and in some ways she functioned as an older sister to me. It was she who taught me to shave my legs (and told me I should). And it was from her that I learned about what high school life was like. Often I wore her hand-me-down clothes, even if i didn't share the same taste in colors or styles.

Since we lived in the same town, and for years her family lived right on the beach, we spent lots of time lying on beach towels, tanning, and body surfing in the warm Southern California ocean. We shared a love of reading and horses. The two of us had an annual date to spend the night with our Redington grandparents in Santa Barbara and attend the horseshow with them. An event that seemed like the hugest thing in the world to me. Together we read our way through our grandparents collection of mystery books, then Carlie moved on to reading Dostoevsky and huge, thick paperbacks that were beyond me at the time. Any time we've been together as adults, books would be at the heart of what we talked about.

After high school, Carlie began on a college career that took her down many paths. Just as she would almost finish, she would change her major and start over. She joined the Navy, she married, but divorced after one year, acknowledging that she was a lesbian in a culture that didn't accept homsexuality. I don't think she ever graduated from college, but she was a highly skilled and very smart person, and did very well designing microchips for Xerox for many years. She became a breeder and shower of dogs, and bought a house which would accommodate her and the dogs. She moved to Arizona; I moved across the country, and we saw each other very infrequently when she would make business trips to New England and include a visit to my parents in her itinerary.

She inherited the family gene for cancer, and in her late 30s underwent her first mastectomy. When the cancer recurred 18 months ago, and then spread to various parts of her body, I thought the prognosis was poor. She was always upbeat and optimistic in her emails, and I think that's why I was so shocked to learn of her death this morning. Her brother was with her when she died, and according to a second email that came from another friend, but was written on Carlie's computer, so it appeared to come from her, she was not aware of much during the last few days, and under the good care of hospice, slipped into death. I mourn her loss. I celebrate her life. I hope she was happy. I wish I could be there when they scatter her ashes on Superstition Mountain.